Matrix Reloaded  the Parody
by Adrian Tullberg
Summary: Spoilers. Slander. Liberal use of foodstuffs. You have been warned.


Matrix Reloaded - the Parody.  
  
by Adrian Tullberg.  
  
***  
  
Spoilers.  
  
Slander.  
  
Liberal use of foodstuffs.  
  
You have been warned.  
  
***  
  
INT - DARK, DANK DRAIN SYSTEM.  
  
Various Captains and their crews are gathered to make dastardly plots ...  
  
NIOBE  
  
The geotherms from the Osiris ...  
  
GHOST  
  
Seen in Final Flight of the Osiris, one of the many fine films in the Animatrix, seen only in select cinemas, or available on VHS and DVD.  
  
NIOBE  
  
... retrieved by us ...  
  
GHOST  
  
Featured in Enter the Matrix, the interactive actual part of the Matrix World now available on GameCube, Windows, Playstation2, and Xbox. Play me, the Ghost, or Captain Niobe ...  
  
NIOBE  
  
... okay, the Machines are using big ass drills to get down to Zion, and kill us all.  
  
Everyone there DOWNLOADS in their pants.  
  
The three survivors from the last film enter the meeting.  
  
THE WACHOWSKIS  
  
Notice how The One is wearing this priest-like garb, to demonstrate his ascent to a higher plane of thinking.  
  
NEO  
  
Did you guys know I'm naked underneath this thing?  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Hmm. Either we're starting a compost franchise, or everyone in this room is concerned.  
  
NEO looks distracted.  
  
NEO  
  
My Matrix sense is tingling. Or somebody farted. Either way, I'm heading upstairs.  
  
Just in time too, because THREE AGENTS crash through the door  
  
NEO  
  
Sunglasses, yet no leather. Bad guys.  
  
NEO delivers a whupping, then ascends.  
  
NEO  
  
Whoa! I'm faster than a speeding bullet time!  
  
LINK  
  
What the hell is all the flying around for? Couldn't he ... you know, teleport or something?  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
After Aintitcoolnews.com reviewed the Superman script? Let's just say Warner Brothers had a hell of a lot of flying effects technology doing fuck all ...  
  
NEO (calling)  
  
Thanks Harry Chubby Dude!  
  
NEO makes sure he didn't loose his wallet in the Oracle's Old Place, then uploads to the real world.  
  
NEO  
  
Who the hell are you?  
  
LINK  
  
Oh, I'm Tank's low-cost replacement.  
  
TRINITY  
  
Remember he was kicked off after he wanted a raise? Yeah, like he had a chance.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
We need every cent to make you look good in this flick. Hey, we turned down Jet Li for a part because of the budget.   
  
TRINITY  
  
Oh my god. Jet Li, the one person who could justify all the wire-fu we've been ripping off?   
  
NEO  
  
Wow, I feel so wanted.  
  
In ZION, leaving the Neb, MORPHEUS is frogmarched away by some MILITARY GOONS of COMMANDER LOCK.  
  
NEO  
  
What is it between them?  
  
TRINITY  
  
Morpheus and Lock? Niobe.  
  
NEO  
  
Captain Niobe?  
  
TRINITY  
  
She used to be with Morpheus. Now she's with Lock.  
  
NEO  
  
What happened?  
  
TRINITY  
  
Morpheus went to the Oracle. After that everything changed.  
  
LINK  
  
Face it, when an all seeing, all knowing entity tells you your girlfriend's got the clap, you don't get metaphysical, you ditch the bitch.  
  
NEO is soon assaulted by a RABID FANBOY  
  
NEO  
  
Oh Christ, it's my fan club.  
  
LINK  
  
Face it, if you're career tanks after this, you'll spend the rest of your life attending conventions were he's considered rational, charismatic, and attractive.  
  
FANBOY  
  
After all, you rise from the dead and are proclaimed saviour of the human race, you have to tolerate a bit of religious comparison.  
  
TRINITY  
  
He's right.  
  
LINK  
  
And you're not helping it by taking on characteristics adopted by the Egyptian Gods by openly shacking up with your sister.  
  
TRINITY  
  
He's ... WHAT?  
  
LINK  
  
Have you seen the posters for this movie? If you're not twins, I'm Michael J. Fox!  
  
FANBOY  
  
Yeah! I've doing a bit of thinking on this as well ...  
  
TRINITY  
  
Shut it ...  
  
FANBOY (oblivious)  
  
... and considering that the humans trapped within the Matrix were only meant to interact on a purely mental/digital level, there's no real need for the Machines to maintain a wide genetic diversity to create humans ...  
  
TRINITY  
  
I said ...  
  
FANBOY  
  
... and it's entirely feasible that the same person's been cloned hundreds, or thousands of times over, and the odds are pretty high that you and Neo are, in fact genetic siblings ...  
  
TRINITY  
  
SHUT UP! And you!   
  
TRINITY points a threatening finger at NEO  
  
TRINITY(cont'd)  
  
Never. Ever Mention this again!  
  
Lock and FANBOY stand behind Neo, making FLICKING MOTIONS and WHIP CRACKING NOISES.  
  
MORPHEUS is taken to Captain Lock's Office.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Hello captain, I stand before you, my crotch remarkably itch free. How's things?  
  
LOCK  
  
Goddamnit, Morpheus! Not everyone believes what you believe!  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
My beliefs do not require them to. It is a known fact that in 1976, there was a Doctor Who episode where Tom Baker plugged his brain into a computer network called The Matrix and fought a virtual battle with another mind.   
  
LOCK  
  
I don't want to hear that shit! I don't care about Tom Baker or Grant Morrison or Plato or Descartes. I care about one thing: stopping that army from destroying this city, and to do that I need soldiers to obey my orders ... and something that will stop this goddamn itching ...  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Commander. Captain.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Councillor.  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Council's asked me to speak tonight, at the temple orgy.   
  
MORPHEUS  
  
I thought it was a dance?  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Yeah, whatever. You wanna come along, make a pseudo-impressive speech? Portents of Armageddon tend to make the women a lot more eager to make it one more time, if you know what I mean ...  
  
MORPHEUS is billed as the guest speaker at a religious gathering that looks suspiciously non-specific as per which deity or deities are actually worshipped ...  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Let us celebrate! Let us rejoice in the fact ... that whitey is no longer ... The Man! That God has ... remade the world ... for The Brothers!  
  
After the speech, NIOBE approached MORPHEUS  
  
NIOBE  
  
I remember. I remember you used to dance. I remember you were pretty good.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
There are some things in this world, Captain Niobe, that will never change.  
  
NIOBE starts SCRATCHING  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
And some things that will never clear up.  
  
The Rave goes on ...  
  
... and on ...  
  
... and on ...  
  
AUDIENCE (Checking their tickets)  
  
Multiplex, not the X-rated theatre. Check.   
  
... and on ...  
  
AUDIENCE (cont'd)  
  
The Matrix Reloaded, not Bikini Chocolate Fantasies. Check.   
  
... and on ...  
  
AUDIENCE  
  
What the hell is going on?  
  
Those who have SEEN THE FILM BEFORE go out, go to the toilet, chat up the girl at the Candy Bar, do some shopping...  
  
TIT shots are interspersed with shots of KEANU'S ASS, which fuels much sexual-orientation confusion amongst young men in the audience for years to come.  
  
AUDIENCE  
  
Jesus Christ! If we wanted hot computer related action, we would have stayed home and started downloading!  
  
After the collective population of Zion has been shagged out, NEO decides to take a post-coital walk. Big mistake, as he's approached by Hamann.  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Care for some company? I don't want to intrude if you prefer to be alone.  
  
NEO  
  
Well, my pants are up ... hell why not?  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Want to get needlessly philosophical in the engineering section?  
  
NEO  
  
Well, I haven't tried to gouge out my eardrums since I last toked three weeks ago ...  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
There is so much in this world that I do not understand. Viagra for instance. One of those blue pills and I can go at it like a friggin' jackhammer...  
  
NEO  
  
Okay, okay.  
  
... two weeks ago, I was able to convince two black hotties with a daddy fetish to engage in a little threeway action ...  
  
NEO starts looking very ill ...  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
... I had those babes thinking they had seen the face of God. Then I got them to dress me in a leather corset, tie me up, oil me down and stick a ...  
  
NEO  
  
Does this have any point?  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Hell no. No point. I just like telling people.  
  
NEO  
  
For the love of God, Why?  
  
COUNCILLOR HAMANN  
  
Wouldn't you?  
  
NEO  
  
Good point.  
  
The next morning, Trinity is woken up by three burly men at the door who don't look like debt collectors.  
  
TRINITY  
  
Ballard.  
  
Ballard  
  
Is he here?   
  
TRINITY  
  
Hi, Trin, how's things?  
  
Other Guy  
  
Shut up, skank.  
  
BALLARD  
  
Look, we want to talk to the guy who has top billing, okay?  
  
TRINITY  
  
Assholes.  
  
NEO is handed something vaguely electronic-looking.  
  
NEO  
  
Either it's from the Oracle, or confirmation of the Hardcore Asian Lesbian action I ordered. Either way, we have to go back into the Matrix.  
  
The three plus Link go off to see the Wizard ... er, Oracle. NEO goes to a small shop in a Chinatown district, and, surprisingly enough, is met by a man of Chinese descent.  
  
SERAPH  
  
I am the low-budget replacement for Jet Li.  
  
NEO  
  
So this isn't the Chinatown Adult Emporium?   
  
SERAPH  
  
I am afraid not. Now I shall fight you.  
  
They fight, with no clear winner or victory.  
  
NEO  
  
What the hell was that for?  
  
SERAPH  
  
You do not truly know someone until you fight them.  
  
NEO  
  
I bet you're still a virgin with that attitude, aren't you?  
  
SERAPH  
  
It worked in high school...  
  
The two enter a seemingly endless corridor filled with doors.  
  
SERAPH  
  
These are the backdoors to the Matrix - an access system that can allow you to travel anywhere.  
  
NEO  
  
Can we make a side trip to the Playboy Mansion?  
  
Alas, this is not to be, as they end up in a small, concreted park where the Oracle is waiting.  
  
NEO  
  
You're a program.  
  
ORACLE  
  
One hundred years of consultations, and out of all of humanity, it's Keanu Reeves who figures it out.   
  
NEO  
  
Cool  
  
ORACLE  
  
You guys are in trouble. Let's get to it. It's choice that's important.  
  
NEO  
  
Right.  
  
ORACLE  
  
Choice.  
  
NEO  
  
Yeah.  
  
ORACLE  
  
Choice.  
  
NEO  
  
Better write this down. Sounds important.  
  
ORACLE  
  
The 'i' comes after the 'o'.  
  
NEO  
  
Gotcha.  
  
ORACLE  
  
Two 'c's. No 's's.  
  
NEO  
  
...c - e. Okay.  
  
ORACLE  
  
Now get to this address and kidnap a small Chinese guy who makes keys.  
  
Oracle gets the hell out of there before AGENT SMITH arrives on scene.  
  
SMITH  
  
Surprised to see me?  
  
NEO  
  
Considering I killed your ass? Hell yeah.  
  
SMITH  
  
Even though I tried, to act, like an emotionly stunted, machine, serving the system, diametrically opposed, to your techno-savvy rebel, I still had a fan base big enough, to demand a comic-book style return from the dead.  
  
NEO  
  
Crap.  
  
SMITH  
  
Now because ...  
  
Suddenly, and to everyone else who completely missed the advertising for this flick, surprisingly, MORE SMITHS ARRIVE out of nowhere.  
  
SMITH  
  
... you took away ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... my purpose ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... I am going ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... to fulfill ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... the wishes ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... of every person who experienced ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... your British accent in Bram Stoker's Dracula ...  
  
SMITH  
  
... and kick your pasty white ass eight ways to Sunday.  
  
NEO  
  
Ah ... I thought you hated it? Your ... purpose? That's why you were so keen on kidnapping Morpheus in the last film?  
  
SMITH  
  
I had a guaranteed entry-level promotion to a political appointee position. My purpose would have been to entertain hot interns until the end of time!  
  
NEO  
  
Uh oh.  
  
NEO starts fighting all the SMITHS at once. One goes flying into a wall.  
  
SMITH  
  
More!  
  
ANDY WACHOWSKI  
  
More Smith, or more CGI?  
  
LARRY WACHOWSKI  
  
He wasn't that clear, better make it both.  
  
Eventually the Smiths overwhelm and pile on top of NEO  
  
SMITH  
  
Tell me Mr. Anderson ... have you ever been ... curious?  
  
NEO  
  
AHHH!  
  
Neo frantically throws off the Smiths and prepares for takeoff ...  
  
... and releases enough methane to power New York for a year. His coat flutters, the ground warps, and nearly every Smith dies instantly from suffocation as Neo flies into the distance.  
  
NEO gets his behind back to reality  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
It was Smith.  
  
NEO  
  
Yes.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Now there's more than one of him  
  
NEO  
  
Either that or his lookalike club.  
  
TRINITY  
  
You should 'deleted' Smith instead of sending him to the 'Recycle Bin' ...  
  
At ZION, Lock is trying to organise some kind of defence.  
  
LOCK  
  
And if we direct five of our ships to this critical junction point, this should give us even longer to bend over, grab our ankles, and kiss our puckered rectums goodbye.  
  
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL  
  
Yes. Where the hell is Neo?  
  
Out with Morpheus ... you know, the bald Scientology freak?  
  
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL  
  
Okay send a ship to fetch him. No, two.  
  
LOCK  
  
What? Do you know how this will weaken our forces? And Neo? Okay, he's a hot shot in the Matrix, but how can that ability extend to a tactical situation in the real world ...  
  
OBBSESSIVE NUTS IN THE AUDIENCE  
  
That's what you think!  
  
EVERYONE ELSE  
  
Shut the fuck up!  
  
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL  
  
Well, I don't know if you know this, but we crackers stick together. Anyone want to look for this guy?  
  
SOREN  
  
Captain Soren of the Redshirt will answer the Council's call. The bastard owes me money.  
  
NIOBE  
  
Captain Niobe of the Logos will follow the remainder of the videogame.  
  
INT - ELEVATOR  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
What can you see, Neo?  
  
NEO  
  
Jenna Jamesons's latest streaming video ... she's got this guy in a cowboy outfit tied to a bed, and she's greasing up...  
  
TRINITY (gritted teeth)  
  
The. Building.  
  
NEO  
  
Oh. It's strange, the code is somehow different.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Encrypted?  
  
NEO  
  
Maybe.  
  
TRINITY  
  
Is that good for us or bad for us?  
  
NEO  
  
Well, it looks like every floor is filled with the French.  
  
TRINITY  
  
Bad for us.  
  
INT - RESTAURANT  
  
THE MEROVINGIAN.  
  
Hello, I am zee beeg French Arsehole, this is my wife with zee big knockers, and these are the Twins, two people who the studio hoped would be as big a bad guy as Smith, but lack the screentime, characterisation, and acting ability to make a credible threat. They will, however, inspire more slash fan fiction than what could be concievably considered healthy. Notice my sophistication and culture when I demonstrate that the French language is the best in the world when it comes to swearing.  
  
NEO  
  
Hmm ... the French Retreat  
  
TRINITY  
  
... they surrender ...   
  
MORPHEUS  
  
... they curse the invaders ...   
  
TRINITY  
  
... centuries of practice ...   
  
NEO  
  
Dunno 'bout you guys, but Frenchy's got me sold.  
  
The Merovingian.  
  
Listen. Choice is an illusion.  
  
NEO  
  
Whoa. I'm sensing a theme here guys. We'd better listen.  
  
THE MEROVINGIAN.  
  
To illustrate my point that humans are only reactionary animals, watch as I make that blonde over there blow her mind with a cake spiked with a looping code of Brad Pitt and 'Temple Of Doom'-era Harrison Ford oiling each other down while wearing loincloths.  
  
TRINITY (to the waiter)  
  
Six of what she had to go.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Make that twelve.  
  
Everyone stares at Morpheus at this point.  
  
NEO  
  
What? Just because he's the leader of an anarchistic revolutionary cell with a messianic complex doesn't mean he hasn't any needs.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
So you're not going to help us?  
  
THE MEROVINGIAN  
  
I'm French.  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Sorry. Stupid question.  
  
Before they leave, PERSEPHONE ambushes them and lures them into a MEN's ROOM  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
I'll help you - but I want you to kiss me.  
  
NEO  
  
Okay.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
I want to feel what you feel for her ...  
  
NEO  
  
Will do.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
I want to be reminded of what ...  
  
NEO  
  
Jesus Christ! You're a Hot European Chick with Big Jugs! No more fucking exposition, okay?  
  
Trinity pulls out a gun.  
  
TRINITY  
  
Hang on, I'm having some issues with this.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
Where the hell do you keep your guns in such a tight outfit?  
  
TRINITY  
  
Lubricant. Lots of Lubricant.  
  
NEO  
  
Honey? Saving the world here?  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her  
  
NEO picks PERSEPHONE up, carries her to one of the stalls, and shuts the door. A FAST THUDDING RATTLES EVERY STALL IN THE ROW.  
  
MORPHEUS raises an eyebrow at TRINITY  
  
TRINITY  
  
Why the hell in a city full of black guys, do you think I stick with him?  
  
PERSEPHONE staggers out of the stall, NEO following.  
  
PERSEPHONE  
  
Such emotion over something so small.  
  
NEO  
  
Hang on. I know there was zero personal involvement invested in that hump, but let's not start with the libel, okay?   
  
PERSEPHONE leads the trio to the Keymaker, and she and the Merovingian engage in a blazing row.  
  
TRINITY  
  
Shouldn't we get out of here while this soap opera's on?  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Shh ... I think that any moment now she's about to reveal what he thought were his children, are in fact, born of a forbidden passionate affair with her cousin.  
  
Merovingian  
  
Get the little Chinese guy!  
  
The TWINS GHOST OUT and head - slowly - towards MORPHEUS and TRINITY  
  
MORPHEUS  
  
Oh no, it's become an episode of Passions.   
  
TRINITY  
  
Exit, stage left!  
  
NEO  
  
Cool, fight scene!  
  
NEO FORCE PULLS two sais to his hands.  
  
THE MEROVINGIAN.  
  
Sacre Bleu! George Lucas be suing somebody!  
  
And, since he's French, he retreats post haste.  
  
NEO, again, delivers a whupping.  
  
AFTER a long freeway chase sequence, NEO ends up in a small room filled with monitor screens. And he finds out ...  
  
NEO  
  
The universe is run by Colonel Sanders? Now that Golden-Arch shaped birthmark is making sense ...  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
Some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. And after seeing the Bill and Ted films, I'll try to speak as slowly as possible. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.  
  
NEO  
  
What the hell are the Wachowskis thinking? Gnostics, Kulturindustrie, Freud, religious symbolism, philosophy, strata within realties, packaged in an action movie? Are they on something? Not taking something? Deranged? Disturbed? Just plain nuts?  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
They're A-List Hollywood directors. There's a high degree of probability that the answer is 'all of the above'. Look, it's a big mind-job. We let you think there's a way of getting out of our control, but we're keeping your options limited to twentieth century mediocrity, or high-tech post industrial survival with a surplus of virtual leather and rubber. Kind of like choosing between Coke and Pepsi.  
  
NEO  
  
Choice. It's all about choice.  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
No shit Sherlock, the Wachowskis have been laying it on with a fucking trowel.  
  
Neo's expression is completely blank.  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
Trowel ... a flat metal thing that you use to spread mortar or concrete with?  
  
Still no response from the Chosen One.  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
Mortar ... concrete ... thick stuff you spread to make sure bricks stay together?  
  
Light would have trouble escaping at this point.  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
Bricks ... rectangular heavy things that anybody else would be throwing at your head at this point in the conversation?  
  
NEO  
  
Oh! Yeah dude, got it now. Okay, one more thing. Considering I'm specifically designed to manipulate the digital reality we're both in, and that you're an integral part of the reality I can manipulate, what the hell is stopping me from taking your high level access codes and kicking the eleven secret herbs and spices out of you?  
  
ARCHITECT  
  
The only woman who will willingly sleep with you in a city full of black men is plunging to her death.  
  
NEO  
  
SHIT!  
  
Neo gets the hell out of there, outruns a massive explosion and catches Trinity.  
  
NEO  
  
I saved you baby!  
  
TRINITY  
  
Did you fly above the skyscrapers so that the displaced air pressure didn't cause massive property damage and needless death?  
  
NEO  
  
Er ... yeah. Sure.  
  
Neo sticks his hand in Trinity up to the wrist to pull out the bullet.  
  
TRINITY  
  
AHH! Er, honey? I really appreciate you trying to take out the bullet lodged in my upper abdomen, but I don't think you can reach it when you hand's stuck DOWN THERE!  
  
NEO  
  
Oooppsss ...  
  
Neo puts his hand in the right place this time, and removes the bullet.  
  
ONE HALF OF THE OBSESSIVES IN THE AUDIENCE  
  
They're in another level of the Matrix!  
  
THE OTHER HALF  
  
No they're not!  
  
THE FIRST GUYS  
  
Yes they are!  
  
THE OTHER ONES  
  
No they're not!  
  
ANDY WACHOWSKI  
  
Yes! Discuss our film!  
  
LARRY WACHOWSKI  
  
Get involved in our quasi-religious plotline!  
  
ANDY WACHOWSKI  
  
Be irrestibly attracted to the third film featuring in November!  
  
JOEL SILVER  
  
Using plot and storyline to attract audiences? That's so crazy it just ... might ... work!   
  
WACHOWSKIS  
  
Better cover our bets.  
  
JOEL SILVER  
  
Put the trailer for the Novermber flick after the credits, so that the 90% that head straight for the toilets will have to watch it again!  
  
As the credits run with music that was never heard in the movie, but will pad out the soundtrack, SILVER AND THE WACHOWSKIS unleash a peal of maniacal laughter ... 


End file.
